Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
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i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
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I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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