Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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