I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
