I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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