Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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