My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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