after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
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Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
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I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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