Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
