the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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