go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
