left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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