I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
