She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
