He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
This is the high leading the old right now
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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