hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
