I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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