i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
