I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
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Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
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And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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