i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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