thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
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my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
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And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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