What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
