We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
