No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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