Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
