I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.