The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.