Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
