omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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