3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
