I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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