So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
