a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
