I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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