I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
