I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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