i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
