I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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