I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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