I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
