Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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