3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
