I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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