my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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