You can't motorboat a personality
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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