dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
