I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
