you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
