I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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