i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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