I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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