You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
