i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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