Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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