i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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