when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
