you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
