I wish I only lived at night.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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