On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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