I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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